Angelique Millette
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www.angeliquemillette.com
Guidelines for Soothing Child and Leaving the Room
Starting and Succeeding with Child Sleeping in Own Bed/Room at Bedtime and Middle of the Night
Please follow these guidelines even if your child has a bad night or two, fussing or waking more frequently. Don’t be
surprised if there’s a little regression or protest after a few nights of success. If your child gets sick during the sleep
changes, you might want to pause or “freeze” until he’s feeling better. You might even have to comfort more at night during
an illness. But then resume your sleep changes when he recovers.
It is important that the parent control the touch. Instead of having your child hold your hand or finger, you should pat his.
Or pat or massage his back intermittently. Make sure that you do not caress your child too steadily; do it on and off. You
don’t want to swap one negative association, for another, like your constant touch or the constant sound of your voice.
Try not to bring your child to your bed at night, or to his old sleeping spot, if you feel the intervention isn’t going well. If
he’s extremely upset go ahead, spend a little more time in his room, 1-5 minutes. Stay with him until he is calm, but keep it
brief.
Try not to convey anxiety to your child. Take deep breaths, remain calm, and know that you are helping him to sleep well at
night so that he can sleep securely and confidently now and later in his bed at night.
-The next few days, before you start the intervention, talk with your child about the changes that are up ahead. It can sound
a little like this: “Honey, Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you for all of the good sleeping you are doing. Mommy and
Daddy know that you can sleep in your bed in your room for the whole night. Mommy and Daddy will help you to sleep in
your bed in your room for the whole night. You might feel a little frustrated, or sad at first about sleeping in your bed for the
whole night. Mommy and Daddy know that you are a big boy, and bog boys sleep in their bed at night. And during the day
there is time for cuddles and snuggling.”
-If you have written a sleep book with your child, in the days/week before starting the night-time sleep changes, be sure to
read child’s sleep book especially during the bedtime routine, and continue to read when doing the sleep intervention
-Plan to start on a night when Mom and Dad will be home to help, and plan to start during a period of a few weeks when you
won’t be traveling, or don’t have evening plans that will interfere with consistency and success. Many families like to start
on Friday or Saturday nights so they can sleep the next day if child wakes up often.
-Use a watch with a night-light, or that glows in the dark
-Place comfy chair or pillows next to child’s bed and explain to child that mommy or daddy will sit here for a few minutes
only. When Mommy and Daddy leave the room, the door to the room will be locked, or a child’s gate will be put in place.
-Start bedtime at typical time, and following your typical bedtime routine (if not potty trained, use overnight
diaper), use night light and stay with your child for 5 minutes, sitting close to the bed. Avoid laying down net to
your child, unless you have been doing this in the family bed. Don’t talk as you are sitting with your child. No
bargaining, or explaining, or talking- very important!
-Leave the room, and tell child that you will be back in 5 minutes to check on them. Again, no bargaining or
explaining here, and do come back in 5 minutes. If child leaves the room and is in the hallway, return child to
bed without showing emotion, or speaking to child. This is very important. Sit on chair or pillows next to child,
close your eyes as it will help, and take deep breaths and remain calm. Stay for 1-2 minutes.
-After you have been in the room for a period of 1-2 minutes or less, you will leave the room again, this time for
10 minutes. If your child begins to cry when you leave, comfort your child for a few more minutes, but do
leave, and come back 10 minutes later. If you find your child out of their room, or wandering the halls, calmly
pick up your child and bring them back to bed. Remember not to speak, explain, or bargain with the child. You
Copyright © 2011, Angelique Millette, All Rights Reserved. This document includes content materials protected by copyright, trademark, or other intellectual
property rights that are the property of Angelique Millette
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are setting limits by keeping your response the same, while not confusing your child by asking them
questions, and not getting angry or frustrated with your child. You can immediately choose to lock the door to
your child’s room at this point, so as to avoid your child leaving their room.
-Leave them room again, and let your child know that you will be back in 10 minutes, and if your child protests
again, stay a few more minutes calming child, and then leave again. Keep your word, and do return to your
child in 10 minutes. If you find your child out of their room, or wandering the halls, calmly pick up your child
and bring them back to bed. Remember not to speak, explain, or bargain with the child. You are setting limits
by keeping your response the same, while not confusing your child by asking them questions, and not getting
angry or frustrated with your child
-Continue with 15-minute intervals out of the room, and 1-2 minute intervals in the room until your child falls
asleep. Expect some work, and a lot of movement the first night or two, perhaps up to 15-20 times of returning
your child to his bed if he leaves his bed. Your child is learning that you are firm in your limit setting, while still
being present and available to your child to help them with the changes.
-You can also begin to use a Sticker Chart to help to reward your child to stay in their room at night. By age 3,
children are beginning to understand rewards, and consequences of their behavior. Remember to buy stickers
that favor a theme that appeals to the child such as cars, trucks, Blue’s Clue’s, Princesses, cows, horses, and
you can hang a Sticker Chart in the child’s room next to their bed. In the morning, if your child has
successfully stayed in their bed, they can put a sticker on their Sticker Chart.
-You can use an “Big Reward” such as going to the zoo, going to the merry-go-round, going to the fair, or
playing with a new and special toy to enhance your child’s motivation for acquiring stickers. If playing on a
new toy, be sure to use an egg timer set for 15 minutes to keep the toy “New.”
-If you are keeping the door closed/locked or have a baby gate up, do continue to use throughout the night
-You can sit in the hallway beside the door to your child’s room listening. If your child comes to the gate and
tries to talk to you, don’t negotiate with your child, and simply say “Sleep time, I love you.”
-It is OK if your child attempts to fall asleep at the gate. Remember, you will be going back in at periodic
intervals, and when you go in, without speaking, you can walk and/or carry your child back to their bed.
-Always keep it brief when you go to your child, no bargaining or getting in their bed. If your child has thrown
up or has a poopy diaper, you can change their clothes/sheets/diaper, and do start the intervention again after
a period of brief comforting.
-Middle-of-the-night pop ups, repeat the same intervals 5-10-15-15-15 minutes (until child puts self to sleep
without you in the room) as you did for the bedtime crying. Also, do go to him right away when he pops up at
night, before beginning the 5-10-15-15-15 (until asleep) minute intervals, and leave after 1 minute- you are just
providing a brief comfort and presence before starting the 5-10-15 minute intervals.
-You can use shorter intervals the first night, 5-5-5-5-5 min intervals gradually increasing to 5-10-15-15-15-15.
-If you hear him cycling between periods of crying and periods of silence, pay attention to his self-soothing
(crying to silence) and stop the clock (stop counting)- don’t go in at intervals as it may be a sign that your child
is starting to go to sleep, and your going in may ramp him up rather then soothe- be judicious about this, and
generally it works best to be conservative and not go in unless you hear him ramp up hard for a period of
several minutes, in which case you would begin the intervals again from where you left off.
-If you feel like you are getting anxious or angry, remind yourself that your child is taking cues from you about
how to manage the sleep changes. You can help your child by helping to stay calm, even if you have to repeat
to yourself, “I can do this, and my child can do it too.” If you find yourself getting very angry, and you can’t
stop, it is important that you take a break, and leave your child’s room. Let your child know you will be back.
-Remember, you can slow the method way down if your child gets very upset, by staying in your child’s room
until s/he fall asleep. But you will want to start to slowly work your way out of your child’s room before they fall
asleep. This is called the “Chair/Mattress Method.” After your child has had 1-3 nights of you falling asleep in
his room, sitting next to his bed, move your chair/pillow further away from his side of the bed, towards the
door of his room. Continue to move a little further away from your child, and towards the door for the next
several nights, until by night 7-14 you are completely out of your child’s room.
Copyright © 2011, Angelique Millette, All Rights Reserved. This document includes content materials protected by copyright, trademark, or other intellectual
property rights that are the property of Angelique Millette